The Day I Didn’t Walk or Defecate Myself

Well…it’s been a week or so and I’ve been slacking on the updates but I’m here now to let y’all know that running long distances is probably not the best idea I’ve ever had.

A part of me died the day of my first half marathon. That part of me was from the waste down. (Not a joke.)

I left Atlanta with what felt like two broken knees, a sprained ankle and a bum hip. I swear I turned into an eighty six year old woman when I finally finished. (Real talk: Come to find out, I didn’t actually injure anything, but you sure as hell could have fooled me in the few post-race hours.)

Let’s start with a re-cap of my goals for this race. (You can always read my pre-race blog here too!) The race notes and reminders posted up on my metaphorical brain walls were as follows:

  • “Do NOT, under ANY CIRCUMSTANCES crap yourself.”

I know this isn’t a very lady-like topic, but this is the real deal and it needs to be discussed. Just in case you aren’t into endurance type sports – let me give you a heads up.

During endurance races, people WILLINGLY defecate and marinade in feces all the time. NO JOKE. They really do! And I, being the modest I-will-break-your-legs-if-you-so-much-as-THINK-of-beating-me type of person I am, was willing to lose if I needed to “drop a load.” I was actually okay with losing if this situation arose. I was NOT okay however, with being unsanitary during the race… I was already going to be sweaty and that’s gross enough.

So anyway. Task completed. No bodily waste left my body during those couple hours.

  • “Do NOT walk.”

Mission accomplished. Can I get a “Whoop Whoop?” (whoop! whoop!)

Alright, I may have “slowed down” through two of the water/feed stations (yes, a “feed” station….like we were cattle or something. Oh, and I was herded into Corral G at the start. For real. We started in CORRALS. Like I said – cattle.), but I had done my mascara and makeup that morning and there was no way I planned on sloshing Gatorade all up my face while trying to imbibe the oh-so-needed drink and risk ruining what little bit I still had left on my face.

Some things are just not worth it.

  • “Tumble over the finish line.”

Mission NOT accomplished. BOO! There were a bunch of peeps in my way or I TOTALLY would have done at least a cartwheel. I was, and still am, annoyed. Let’s not talk about it.

 

 
A few noteworthy items that I noticed during the whole race experience.

  • TRUE endurance athletes will organize their race packets.
    I was informed by a friend that this is a necessary part of race preparation. (This friend by the way is an absolutely OUT-OF-HIS-EVER-LOVIN’ MIND obsessive endurance athlete. Seriously. He’s an IronMan (you like how I bolded the word “IronMan?” I feel like it gives the name more UMPHF when read, like it deserves. Read it again and let me know what you think.) who will all in one day, run a full marathon, swim across the Pacific Ocean, ride a bike from Cali to New York, wrestle alligators in the Sahara Desert (do they even HAVE alligators in the Sarhara? I didn’t think so…yep, that’s how good he is.), all the while wearing spandex. Yep. Enjoy that mental image that just popped in your mind.) Okay, now….really?? I have to ORGANIZE theadvetisements that race sponsors put in a plastic baggie for me? The only important piece of information I needed from that bag was the course map (in case I needed to find a short-cut at about mile 5 or 6! At that point, I figured I wouldn’t be above using a one. You gotta do what you gotta do, right?)
  • Atlanta, GA is apparently built in the mountains. For real. The Rocky Mountains I think. Not the weenie Smokies. But whatever…Downtown Atlanta has mountains. And my quadraceps felt every last incline.
  • Did you know that African American children are an endangered species? I passed an anti-abortion billboard that said that at mile 8. I had no clue….
  • People are wasteful. I saw more people throw away clothes on that run, than I’ve ever seen at any Goodwill or Plato’s Closet before. I was jumping over sweatshirts and t-shirts left and right. I understand getting overheated while running, but really?? Tie your shirt around your waist! My husband would have KILLED me if I started throwing away clothes. Especially the cute Nike stuff I’d bought just for this occasion. But I’ll be honest, the main reason I didn’t was because I didn’t want to scare small children. Like I’ve said before….nobody wants to see this post-partumness.

Overall, the whole experience was actually a super fun one, and despite all my nay-saying, I will definitely run in one again. Next time I just plan on training properly before. Because maybe then, I’ll be able to walk the week after.

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